(Originally posted on my self development blog, which I closed so I could focus on my art)

In a month, I’ll be heading to art school. As an NSFW artist, I’ve always been hesitant to share what my art with other people. A question like “Oh, you draw? Can I see your instagram?” is often met with an awkward smile and a lie. “Sorry, I don’t post art online.”

I’ve accepted that I’m an NSFW artist, but I’m still not comfortable sharing my artworks. Why?

The Obstacles We Imagine

How many times have you told yourself you’d start working a new project or venture, only to back down because of some big obstacle? It could be you wanted to start a blog, but convinced yourself that no-one read blogs anymore (I’m still shocked when people tweet me saying my blog posts are a good read). Or maybe you wanted to start a webcomic, but thought your audience wouldn’t appreciate the shift in content.

A lot of the time, obstacles to our goals are imagined. If you haven’t done a project x before, how could you possibly know a problem y would happen? 

These imagined obstacles are ultimately selfish, a way to shine a light on ourselves and proclaim that we’re special (in a very depressing way, nonetheless). ‘There’s no-one else in the world with our problem’, we wail, hungry for the attention. But that’s simply not true. 

We’re all going through our own shit, personal struggles both real and imagined. For me, my imagined obstacle is that people will think less of me for my NSFW art. I’m terrified of seeing a slow change from curiosity to disgust as I show someone my art.

Yet given all the people I’ve shared my art with, has anyone actually looked down on it? Nope. Some have grown to respect me even more, as I included them in my art journey. Some even became clients! 

But what will I do if someone looks down on my art? Obviously I love NSFW art. I love drawing it, writing about it, arguing about the ethics of it. Even if all the people in the world were to look down on me for it, it’s not like I can change what I love. So can’t I just accept myself?

The Challenge of ‘Just’ Accepting Yourself

I used to believe in the philosophy of ‘just accept yourself’. Even if someone disagreed with who you were as a person, what should you care? (As long as you weren’t harming anyone) 

But I think that accepting yourself might not be as simple. Given we live in a society, there are certain expectations placed on us, both by ourselves and by outsiders. While you might argue (and please do, I’d love to hear your views) that we have no obligation to meet these expectations, it’s still a fact that they exist.

It’s important that we discern the expectations that align with our values. Your parents might expect you to take a certain degree, yet you know you want to take fine arts. That’s a conflicting expectation. 

Just accepting yourself implies ignoring these expectations, resulting in guilt and a sense of being lost. For some, that’s no problem. The bad expectations far outweigh the good, so they’re happy to go about themselves without a care about what other people think. The easy way out!

To each their own, but as someone with social anxiety, I grew up worrying about what other people think about me. Now, I know the importance of balancing my own values with how I act according to outside expectation. 

That’s why I can’t just accept myself. I won’t be able to respect myself as an NSFW artist unless I fulfill the expectations I have for myself, and the expectations of outsiders that align with my values. Writing these blog posts, being open about the ethics of my artwork, and being balanced in my lifestyle, are examples of expectations I have for myself.

Until I’ve fulfilled these expectations, I just can’t accept myself fully.

But Beats, this is about your artwork, why are you bringing in your personal life? Why not keep them separate?

Keeping your art life and your personal life separate is fine. However, I’ve found that porn is one of the few things that interests me. Concepts like the element of fantasy/unrealism in hentai, and the ethics of depicting unethical acts through artwork. 

I’m not just an artist. I’m a learner, fascinated by psychology and self development. I’m a computer science graduate, driven by logic and observations. To ignore these sides of myself would be the death of my being. 

But how we see ourselves is different. If you consider yourself an artist first and foremost, then live out your live accordingly! Find your values, as well as the expectations that align with them. You can ‘just accept yourself’, or you can live a life you respect. 

In the end, we either respect ourselves, or don’t. Given how one-sided outside expectations can be, we have to remember our own values in choosing which expectations to uphold or fight against.

The notion of just accepting ourselves may come easily to some, but not all. If you’ve found yourself constantly held back by obstacles, try evaluating whether it’s a real or imagined obstacle.

Taking small steps towards testing our obstacles will help us confirm if they are real or not. Will your friends actually avoid you if they find out you draw or write NSFW? In any case, finding out will help us decide how to fight onwards towards acceptance. Any step is better than none.