My most recent play partner is quite the sub, and while I enjoy topping/giving, I’m not great with asking for what I want. Even something as ‘simple’ as a blowjob took me a while—because I’m afraid of boring and thus losing my partner.

So, I give and give. And while it makes me a great partner, it also means ignoring my own wants. Pervading each ask is the fear that I’ll push them away. It’s safer not to rock the boat, I figure.

Of course, that’s not the case. My partners do want to pleasure me, I’ve just gotten used to asking for the bare (emotional) minimum because of an anxious childhood.

I think that’s why I dislike people who jump to conclusions. I remember meeting someone and mentioning I got lazy to go to a 5k run. They snorted and said, “so you’re a bitch?” The expletive hurt less than the feeling of being misunderstood—I had no one to go with to the event, and I wasn’t particularly motivated the day of.

Anyway, that was a bit of a standout incident. Most people are happy to oblige when you voice out what you want. And that’s a big pill to swallow, especially if you grew up emotionally neglected. I’m changing how I see it: rather than a selfish thing, being vulnerable and asking for what you want tells others how they can love you.

It’s a gift to be vulnerable.

I know how corny that sounds. The risk of being hurt (even if unintentionally) is always there. For example, I’m an expressive texter having grown up online, and it sucks when my partners don’t reply with the same energy— but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in my life.

To that end, I mentioned to my sub that I still get a bit anxious about asking for things (I got anxious about being anxious as the dom!) To which they replied:

“I’m a big giver, dw 🩵”

Of course, my vulnerability could’ve been met with rejection—but then, that means the person isn’t for you. But when moments of acceptance accumulate over time, it helps ward off the anxiety. I’ve started talking dirtier, telling her what I want to do to her, rather than worrying if I’m over my head.

The fear is still there, but how can you take “use me however you like” as anything but a yes? It’ll take a while, but I’m looking forward to incorporating my own fantasies into the dynamic now, and take what I want from my sub.

By taking from my partner, I’m also giving myself to them.